Twenty-One Years Ago | Five Days | Forever In Our Hearts #infantloss

Twenty-one Years Ago…

Our lives changed Forever.

EmileeFamily(My first time holding Emilee… and one of our very few “family” photos.) 

Our sweet angel baby Emilee Camille was born.

Twenty-one years ago… it seems like yesterday, but again it seems like a lifetime ago… almost dreamlike.

Who would she have looked like? What would her personality have been like? What talents, likes and dislikes would she have had? Millions of questions go through my mind when I reflect back on our sweet baby girl.

JasonKissEmilee HeatherKissEmilee

Recently I have read a few blog posts written by Moms that have recently lost their toddlers. I can’t even fathom what that would feel like. Having just our few five days with her strengthened her hold on our heartstrings. I weep and sob for those Mommies. I weep and sob for us. She was a gift, but I selfishly wanted her in my/our lives for much longer that.

Because of a fluke birthing accident our lives were changed forever. She was perfect in every way… but the mere fact that she had gone without oxygen for too long determined her fate.

She graced our lives for 5 beautiful but heart wrenching days.

In her short five days she taught me strength. Her tiny little body did all it could to mend itself… unfortunately sheer determination cannot repair the human brain. She taught me beauty. Even with wires and tubes coming off of and out of her tiny body she was breathtaking. She taught me to appreciate the little things. Being able to hold and snuggle her little body for three days fed my soul. She couldn’t open her eyes or respond to me visually but her body responded to our touch and our love. Her breathing became regular and the nurses weren’t sure if she would eventually pass or not.

There are so many more things this sweet baby girl showed me/us… 

EmileeCloseUp

You taught us to not take our lives for granted.

You taught us that life is fragile, precious and can be changed or extinguished in an instant.

You taught us to cherish every moment with our future children. 

I am forever grateful for the short time we were allowed with this beautiful soul.

We love you baby…

emilee

You are forever in our hearts….

Mommy & Daddy

Comments

  1. Lolo says:

    Oh Heather, I am so sorry. She is beautiful.

  2. Dad says:

    I am sitting here sobbing for your little girl. I love you so much . I love you, Dad

  3. She was beautiful! ((HUGS)) to you and any mother that has gone through this.
    I can’t imagine and it breaks my heart. <3

    • Thanks Johanna. I never thought it would happen to us. It definitely taught me SO many things… just wish I didn’t have to learn the hard way.

  4. I can’t imagine. Major hugs & a great big Happy Birthday to Emilee <3

  5. Kathlean Owens says:

    (((Heather))) Thank you for sharing.

  6. *hugs* She was beautiful

  7. andrea says:

    Your baby girl was so beautiful! My heart aches for you, and so many others, who have had to deal with the loss of a child. You have a special angel watching over you from heaven.

  8. LeeAnn says:

    Happy Birthday to your Emilee! I can’t even imagine what you went through during those 5 days. I also cry for parents that lose their children, regardless of age, and I know not to ever take what I have for granted. I am so sorry for your loss.

  9. c l says:

    Such a beautiful little girl. I am so sorry this happened. So so soad.
    We lost our wonderful daughter when she was 21 in a horrible way. It will be ten years this year. Life is changed forever.

  10. tam childers says:

    I can’t imagine the pain you went through in those 5 days and still go through. She was beautiful, so sorry for what happened.

  11. Oh Heather, I am so sorry. My heart hurts for all of you parents out there who have lost children. I can not imagine. Never want to imagine. My husband lost his 3 year old daughter 10 years ago and I hate to see his heart ache. I know that it is something that will never go away.

    ((hugs))

  12. So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine lossing my children at any point of conception or birth. I applaud you for this post and I hope other mothers walk away with a sense of gratitude and love for their living or passed children. It truly can be taken away in an instant and that’s oh, so, so very sad. Hugs to you and your family.

  13. Abi R. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss…my mom lost my sister and I remember it vividly…happy birthday sweet Emilee.

  14. Betty Baezthan says:

    I’m soo sorry! I miscarried twins at 23 weeks and that was hard to deal with, I couldn’t imagine what it’s like to actuall hold her and loose her so suddenly this breaks my heart!

  15. Brandy says:

    We said goodbye to our firstborn son 1.5 years ago, so I understand the sadness that you’re likely still feeling in missing your sweet girl. When I think of all we’ve been through in these last years, I just know I’ll be missing my Andrew for as long as I live, too.

  16. Ellen B says:

    so sorry Heather – I’ve lost 4 babies to miscarriage and I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.
    ** hugs**

  17. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I’m sure you think about her every day. I hope that you will find peace in your hearts and in the time you had with her.

  18. Andrea says:

    It is a reminder how precious life is and what a gift. My heart breaks for your loss. She is beautiful. Such a precious little angel.

  19. Words are so trite when expressing sympathy.

    Nonetheless, I am sorry you are a part of this club none of us ever wanted to be in.

    Thinking of you, your husband and Emilee today. She is precious, Heather.

  20. Christina says:

    (((((hugs)))))) I am in tears for you. Happy Birthday to your sweet, beautiful girl!
    Our first was stillborn… it will be 13 years next month.

  21. Lynnette Watkins says:

    Heather, That is a very beautiful. Children are suppose to out live us . To loose one is very heart breaking. I am loosing my daughter not in the way you lost yours. She hasn’t made very wrong decisions that have effected not only her life but mine and her 4 children. In high school she started disappearing and coming home intoxicated. I tried everything I knew that would help. Doctors, Therapists and a Girls program to get her off of drugs. It’s been 10 years and she still chooses that life over her family. When we see her I can see the damages she is doing to herself. For being 26 she looks ten years older,also the health problems she has is taking it’s toll on her. I miss my daughter, but I am trying to mental prepare my self, everything the phone rings or when the police finally come to my door.

  22. My heart saddens to hear of anyone having to go through this painful chapter in our lives. Six months after My husband & I were married I became pregnant. We were so excited by scared to death. He was farming and we had no insurance. Well I lost our son Daniel at six months along. No I never carried him to full term but not a year goes by that I don’t remember what it might have been like. He would have been 34 on April of this year. Daniel Lee Brimmer would have been a strong name for a young man with so many possiblities. I feel your pain my friend. I thank God everyday that he blessed us with 3 more children to spoil and cherrish. Out of those 3, I have 8 beautiful, active granddaughters. So day I will hold my son in my arms again and so will you. My mom and dad are taking care of him in heaven. God bless you Heather! Thanks for sharing a very private part of your life with us.

  23. Sabrina Radke says:

    She looks like a sweet little baby angel in her little bonnet and bracelet. Your family is in my prayers for strength <3

  24. Nicki Z. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss… my daughter is almost 7-months old and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and heartbreak of losing her! We adopted her from birth and our bond is as strong as if I’d birthed her myself. She has numerous health issues; none of them life threatening, thank goodness, but it’s amazing how much stronger you become when you’re parent!

  25. Better come to BlogHer then!

  26. Loretta says:

    This brought tears to my eyes! I’m sitting here and my daughter’s first birthday is today. I can’t even begin to imagine how it would be if she weren’t here. My sister also had a little girl that was only on this earth for a few short hours. It doesn’t matter if they are with you for 90 years or a few days, the loss can be so painful! I’m thinking of you today! Thanks for the reminder to take nothing for granted.

    • Thank you Loretta. Thankfully we were able to have more children… it lessened the pain a bit, but at times the memories do flood back and the pain is fresh again.

  27. Beautifully written, and yet I’m sure words alone cannot begin to describe the pain of your loss. She was a lovely girl. I’m glad you’ve been blessed with 4 children since, yet I know that doesn’t fill the void. Your family is in my prayers.

  28. Oh, Heather. I wish I could give you a hug. Thinking and praying for you today.

  29. Courtenay says:

    You said you have been reading blogs about families who have lost toddlers, can you please send me some links? My daughter was 18 months old when she passed last April. I have been having a hard time finding people to connect with who understand my loss.
    Thanks

    • Hi Courtenay,

      Unfortunately, I can’t think of many of them off the top of my head. I wrote this post last year and I try to avoid pages like that because I sob uncontrollably. I did ask a few friends and one pointed out http://roscommonacres.com/2010/12/what-happened/. I hope that page helps you just a little. I’m sorry for your loss.

  30. Lindsay Sorensen says:

    Oh Heather I’m so sorry, words can’t be said to mend what you lost, she is so beautiful and would have been just as amazing and talented as your other kids. Happy Birthday little angel!

  31. Stacy D. says:

    I’m so sorry Heather. What a beauty she was!

  32. Deanna says:

    Beautiful. She’s resting peacefully 🙂

  33. Brooke T. says:

    These past 5 years I have felt somewhat alone in the way that we lost our daughter. I feel like I don’t really fit in with the other “Share” Moms because they lost what could not have prevented.
    My daughter was perfectly healthy the whole pregnancy. Until the day we made our fateful mistake and agreed to be induced. She went without oxygen for almost 22min between delivery and being revived. She was with us for 13days. And sometimes it feels like yesterday and a life time ago like you said.
    Sometimes I am bitter. In this day and age you just assume accidents like what happened aren’t even possible. Thank you for sharing your story. Seeing those pictures brings back so many memories.

    • Brooke,
      I, too, agreed to be induced with Emilee on her due date. The reason? Not because I couldn’t handle it anymore… it was because my doctor was switching practices and I wanted her to deliver the baby. My Emilee dropped and crimped her cord… without oxygen like your daughter. Although they rushed me to surgery, they accidentally ripped my IV out putting me on the table, had to inject me layer by layer as they cut because they won’t put you under without an IV (and I was a terrible poke back then) and they finally put me under just before they got to her. Her APGAR was a 1.
      Our deliveries seem to similar. It’s a shame that these accidents have to happen… but I have to believe they happened for a reason. I can be bitter some days as well, but although Emilee was taken from us way too early… I think that I wouldn’t treasure my living children like I do today without the incident. It taught me that life is precious, fragile and way too short to take it for granted.

      ((( hugs ))) Brooke. If you need someone to chat with, my email and FB are always there. It helps to “talk” about it with someone that has experience similar life events.

  34. Kim White says:

    This was a very hard but needed read for me. We lost our beautiful 7 month old in April. Its still feels so raw. I am happy that you still remember your beautiful girl on her birthday, I am so worried about the day our first birthday comes. Thankyou for this post

    • ((( Kim )))
      You will never forget, but the pain will lessen and hopefully smiles will replace the tears when you think about her. The first birthday was terribly hard for me… but I also had my 2nd born by then, so I snuggled with her all day. If you need someone to “listen”… my email is always here, or you can FB me. It helps to have someone to bounce things off of that has been there… they make you feel not so crazy. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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